It’s a really strange place I find myself in today… in some ways, in a
better place than I’ve ever been, and in others, so lost I’m not sure what to
do with myself right now, never mind tomorrow, next week or next month. I’ve
been looking for a way in, a way to open the door let some of it out, and haven’t
been able to find a way.. until right now.
I’ve been home for the last
couple of days… took them off to try to wrap my head around the fact that Nanny
is gone; and in that regard, I’ve failed miserably. I’m lucky, I know; I’m
almost 46, and have dealt with an incredibly small amount of loss in my life.
Almost 46, still with 2 grandparents, parents who are together, a large,
amazing family. But because of that, even as I think I’m pretty good at coping
with life, I also realize that I’m not entirely sure how to deal with loss. I
was 20 when Papa passed away, and I struggled with that for a long time; I feel
like I should be better equipped now, but, apparently, I’m not. I’m working on
a post about Nanny, about everything she meant to me, but I’m struggling to
write it, as well; hopefully that will come to me soon, perhaps in a moment of
inspiration just like this one seems to be, although I guess I shouldn’t speak
too much until I’m done writing.
So I’m home, and instead of
doing the myriad of things I should be doing, I’m flipping through the channels
on TV, and a little movie that I saw years ago and loved came on. It’s called
One Week, starring Joshua Jackson; in it, the main character is diagnosed with
late stage, terminal cancer, and rather than begin his new life as a patient,
he hops on a motorbike and heads west from Toronto. It is rooted in Canada; he stops at all
manner of small-town oddities (a giant paperclip, dinosaur, teepee… I was
waiting for the giant lamp from Donalda to show up), before ending up on the
beach in Tofino, where a German couple reminds him about the beauty of the
place he is lucky enough to be from. I’ve always felt incredibly lucky to be
Canadian; that, too, is another wormhole I need to avoid going down, but as I
contemplated a life that may have meant leaving it behind, at least for a
while, I came to realize that there is nowhere else on earth I want to live.
Which brings me back to the
current moment; restless, uneasy, and yet optimistic about the future, and very
much aware that looking forward I have more opportunities than I ever have, and
opportunities that I will be contemplating from a stronger position than I’ve
ever been in. Less than a year from now
I will have completed my masters, finished the last schooling I’m ever going to
do (and my god has it taken me forever to get here!); I will be in a continuing
counselling job, working with kids I click with, kids that I am very well suited
to help, even if I’m not sure at this point whether they are the age group I
want to continue with. Counsellors are in short supply these days; I will be
able to switch districts, should I choose to, and the door to school admin will
also be open to me, should I choose to go that route. I will have a plethora of
good opportunities, doors open to me that I know I am suited to go through,
fully capable of taking whichever path I should choose.
And even as next year seems to
close in so many ways, next week also seems far away. The hoops of the masters
program are incredibly hard to jump through, not because I’m not capable, but
because it just feels like hoops that we are jumping through. My living
situation is… fluid, might be a good word for it; I’ve got next month dealt
with, and a place to go eventually, but there’s some gaps in there, and I’m
struggling with that a little bit. Not that I’m worried I’ll have no place to
go, just that it all seems so tenuous, at a time where I feel like some good
solid roots might be a good thing. I described myself as a tarp flapping in the
breeze the other day, and it still seems apt; still attached, not actually
going anywhere for the moment, but also not nearly as grounded as I’m used to.
But maybe I just need to embrace that for a while, relish in the fact that I
have some freedom, and the means and opportunity to drift on the wind and enjoy
it, rather than regret it.
So maybe that’s how I’ll fill
that potential gap this summer; maybe I’ll do the trip Joshua Jackson’s
character took, except in reverse. Explore this amazing country of ours, see
some places new and some familiar, and just go where the wind takes me for a
little while. I did a weekend trip like that recently, and loved it; there are
not a ton of times in your life where it’s as easy as it will be for me to do
that, so why not? I’m not even sure what I’m looking for, so who knows what I’ll
find; I also know that there’s the distinct possibility that I’ll find that
what I’m coming back to is exactly what I want. Friends, family, a fulfilling
career in a place that I love; that’s a pretty awesome set of circumstances to
come back to… even as I write this I see that. Life is good… I see that, I just
need to cut loose from it for a little while to truly appreciate it again, I
think.
The movie ended with a quote,
and, as always, I asked my friend Google if he knew who it was from. So simple, as so many of these quotes are,
and yet so powerful. It’s from Tennyson’s Ulysses,
and it’s maybe a better summary of life than I’ve ever seen in one line.
To strive, to seek, to
find, and not to yield
