One Week

It’s a really strange place I find myself in today… in some ways, in a better place than I’ve ever been, and in others, so lost I’m not sure what to do with myself right now, never mind tomorrow, next week or next month. I’ve been looking for a way in, a way to open the door let some of it out, and haven’t been able to find a way.. until right now.

                I’ve been home for the last couple of days… took them off to try to wrap my head around the fact that Nanny is gone; and in that regard, I’ve failed miserably. I’m lucky, I know; I’m almost 46, and have dealt with an incredibly small amount of loss in my life. Almost 46, still with 2 grandparents, parents who are together, a large, amazing family. But because of that, even as I think I’m pretty good at coping with life, I also realize that I’m not entirely sure how to deal with loss. I was 20 when Papa passed away, and I struggled with that for a long time; I feel like I should be better equipped now, but, apparently, I’m not. I’m working on a post about Nanny, about everything she meant to me, but I’m struggling to write it, as well; hopefully that will come to me soon, perhaps in a moment of inspiration just like this one seems to be, although I guess I shouldn’t speak too much until I’m done writing.

                So I’m home, and instead of doing the myriad of things I should be doing, I’m flipping through the channels on TV, and a little movie that I saw years ago and loved came on. It’s called One Week, starring Joshua Jackson; in it, the main character is diagnosed with late stage, terminal cancer, and rather than begin his new life as a patient, he hops on a motorbike and heads west from Toronto.  It is rooted in Canada; he stops at all manner of small-town oddities (a giant paperclip, dinosaur, teepee… I was waiting for the giant lamp from Donalda to show up), before ending up on the beach in Tofino, where a German couple reminds him about the beauty of the place he is lucky enough to be from. I’ve always felt incredibly lucky to be Canadian; that, too, is another wormhole I need to avoid going down, but as I contemplated a life that may have meant leaving it behind, at least for a while, I came to realize that there is nowhere else on earth I want to live.

                Which brings me back to the current moment; restless, uneasy, and yet optimistic about the future, and very much aware that looking forward I have more opportunities than I ever have, and opportunities that I will be contemplating from a stronger position than I’ve ever been in.  Less than a year from now I will have completed my masters, finished the last schooling I’m ever going to do (and my god has it taken me forever to get here!); I will be in a continuing counselling job, working with kids I click with, kids that I am very well suited to help, even if I’m not sure at this point whether they are the age group I want to continue with. Counsellors are in short supply these days; I will be able to switch districts, should I choose to, and the door to school admin will also be open to me, should I choose to go that route. I will have a plethora of good opportunities, doors open to me that I know I am suited to go through, fully capable of taking whichever path I should choose. 

                And even as next year seems to close in so many ways, next week also seems far away. The hoops of the masters program are incredibly hard to jump through, not because I’m not capable, but because it just feels like hoops that we are jumping through. My living situation is… fluid, might be a good word for it; I’ve got next month dealt with, and a place to go eventually, but there’s some gaps in there, and I’m struggling with that a little bit. Not that I’m worried I’ll have no place to go, just that it all seems so tenuous, at a time where I feel like some good solid roots might be a good thing. I described myself as a tarp flapping in the breeze the other day, and it still seems apt; still attached, not actually going anywhere for the moment, but also not nearly as grounded as I’m used to. But maybe I just need to embrace that for a while, relish in the fact that I have some freedom, and the means and opportunity to drift on the wind and enjoy it, rather than regret it.

                So maybe that’s how I’ll fill that potential gap this summer; maybe I’ll do the trip Joshua Jackson’s character took, except in reverse. Explore this amazing country of ours, see some places new and some familiar, and just go where the wind takes me for a little while. I did a weekend trip like that recently, and loved it; there are not a ton of times in your life where it’s as easy as it will be for me to do that, so why not? I’m not even sure what I’m looking for, so who knows what I’ll find; I also know that there’s the distinct possibility that I’ll find that what I’m coming back to is exactly what I want. Friends, family, a fulfilling career in a place that I love; that’s a pretty awesome set of circumstances to come back to… even as I write this I see that. Life is good… I see that, I just need to cut loose from it for a little while to truly appreciate it again, I think.

                The movie ended with a quote, and, as always, I asked my friend Google if he knew who it was from.  So simple, as so many of these quotes are, and yet so powerful. It’s from Tennyson’s Ulysses, and it’s maybe a better summary of life than I’ve ever seen in one line.

To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield