A word for 2021

 

I have always been a procrastinator… someone who can always find a good reason to put off until tomorrow what could, and usually should, be done today. Sometimes for a good reason, more often for a sketchy reason, or no reason at all, I would decide that it could wait. Whatever it was, however important it was… I had time later, or would make time later. It would get done.

Of course, the flip side of any good procrastinator is the ability to get away with it… to power through whatever you have to do in record time, just before the deadline, and not pay any price at all for all of the delays. In retrospect, maybe the worst thing that happened to me in my university career was the time I went to a morning English class in my first year of university, on the day our big research paper was due, with not much more than a topic and some sources in hand. The prof spoke at length about how, if we hadn’t put in weeks worth of work on this essay, we weren’t going to do well, and very possibly going to fail. I was a little panicky in class that day, with none of my 2000 words written, and his words ringing in my ears. But, as has always tended to happen, that ability that too often lies dormant in me kicked in, the words started flowing, and I got those 2000 words written over the course of that day.

The beauty of college courses, of course, were that even then due date was exactly that… your assignments were due on that specific date, at any time. In the pre-email days we are talking about, however, things were a little more challenging… you had to get in to campus, where the secretaries who were there until aomost the end of night classes would accept your papers, and make sure they went into the box of your professor. But only after they stamped it with that all important date stamp, that signified, despite all of your procrastination, that your paper was in on time.

So why was this paper a terrible thing? Because it was the point that I realized, even at university, I was able to get away with it. This rushed, barely researched paper that I whipped off on the day it was due, that I literally finished, spell-checked (which wasn’t done in real time by computers then), printed, and handed in, not only got me an A+, but the top mark in the class on that paper, and a compliment from my prof. It taught me that I could get away with procrastinating, as long as possible, and not pay any price.

Of course, as with any lesson like that, you continue to push those boundaries, until you reach the point where you can’t get away with it. I went to that point, and then far beyond… and, in a nutshell, that’s why I didn’t start teaching until I was almost 40. I got rattled, I got to a point where I felt like I was wasting all of that ‘potential’ I had (my feelings about that word are another post), and I basically shut down school and went another way, until I was finally able to come back to it much later in life.

Oddly, we are now in a time where, in a way, procrastination is what is keeping us safe. All of those things that we normally do, the good and bad and everything in between, are on hold indefinitely. Want to see your family? Nah, not today… maybe later. Go to a concert? Nope. Travel? Well, maybe within your health region, depending on the day, and the latest words from DBH. But so many of those places on your bucket list, things to do and see and experience, will have to wait until after the vaccine, at least, until who knows when. 2020 was a whole lot of things, most of them bad, but on some level it was the year we all became procrastinators.

Given both my history, and the current state of the world, I decided I needed to start 2021 with some direction; with intention, to get beyond all of the shit and chaos that has marked both my life and the world over the last few years. This is a year where I will move into an amazing new home, with an amazing partner that I feel so privileged to get to love; a year where I will start a new job (and no, I have no idea yet what that job will be, but it’s time), finish my schooling once and for all, and begin to reap the rewards of all the stress and struggle and strife. (Alliteration, for my English teacher gf) I’m reminded of a quote I saw written randomly on a wall in Vancouver, that came up in my Facebook memories the other day: “you know all of those things you’ve always wanted to do? You should go do them.” And the time to do them is my word for 2021: Now.

No more waiting. No more procrastinating, delaying, fucking around. As my amazing, brilliant, total smart-ass kiddo likes to point out, I’m in my late 40s now, and while that’s not exactly old, it’s not exactly young, either. I’m going to start doing all of those things I want to do, need to do, can’t wait to do... Now.  I’ve said things like this before, taken steps down that road on a number of occasions, but my false starts are over. I was struck with this thought tonight, and it seemed to me that the best way to jump start the process was to write this down.

And do it now.